Ageing parents and a helpless son…

I write this blog with a couple of new grey hair strands on my head and a shade of a wrinkle on my chin….NO , hang on I am just exaggerating !!

I know I have been really bad with my timings and that the time gap between this one and the last post could have easily been mistaken as my retirement from this habit !!

I d have to get a little personal over this one cause over the last couple of months, I have had to play the role of a SON and to my horror (I wish I could underplay this by saying Surprise!) I discovered that either I aint good at it or It aint that easy !!

My father suffered a cardiac arrest (He s fine now!!) and when the news was broken out to me I found my jaws shaking and the words not popping out of my mouth. It took me sometime to rationalize what I had heard, I was a little dazed and out of control…I was horrified !!!

Suddenly I realized, I stay in a diff city, 2500 kms away from my parents, I am their only SON, their lone support, the purpose of their life and most importantly that they are now growing OLD and that they need ME with them!!

My brother (cousin) was on call as he was trying to fabricate the news of my fathers heart attack (guess, to reduce its impact on me!!). Am not questioning his attempt but I must confess that post the telephonic hearing of appx 5 mins I grew up in life to understand something what I had not understood in my 22 years of existence.

I hung up drawing the conclusion that they have grown OLD!!

It was scary to declare it, It was sad and I needed to be Bold, but the reality was that they had past their prime…They d need a support to walk, a trip to the doc every month, pills to gulp during b’fasts and dinner and most importantly their child with them at home !!

Things now needed a transition and that is where I have failed.

I have been far too busy in my world, doing things that I have always wanted, knowingly using my parents as a means to achieve my acquisitive desires. They have been utterly selfless and committed and the thought that this exhaustion for my sake, tirelessly for the last 22 years was probably the cause of the phone call that night made me feel even more ashamed!!

It took me so long to realize that how much I lacked in gratitude and it took something as big as a cardiac arrest (suffered by my father) to help me discover the SON within me.

Reactions post the call were impulsive and involved minimal thought. Within minutes I found myself to be on the first flight back home and I could gasp for breath only when I saw father lying on the hospital bed calm and composed – sick and weak alright!!

The sigh of relief and an affectionate smile on the sight of his son conveyed all the message and I knew that he now needs me and my attention through out, I knew that he had done enough to feed me and I had to get rid of the glutton within myself to have selflessly sucked everything out from him, to have left him all tired, fatigued and worn out.

However, as I now in hindsight act upon these new recognitions of mine, I feel helpless!!

My father refuses my offer of earning the family’s money and allowing me to break the bread!!

He declines to retire from his occupation and refuses to accept the fact that now he lacks the strength to carry our (me and mother) burden anymore. He refuses to take care of himself and I have rested myself in peace thinking that to relinquish everything that he has owned and acquired in life would take some thinking and more time from him.

I also fail to convince him that his dependency on me would in fact not be a burden rather an opportunity for me to showcase my gratitude. I have been yearning for acquiring this responsibility and it’s a little disappointing that I still await my turn for some more time to come.

My father, being an independent man, defying all sufferings and earning reputation and prosperity out of scarce resources, means and belongings - it will take some time before I could convince him to give away everything and live an ascetic life depending on his SON.

I know it would give a beating to his EGO, but I also know that he is getting OLD.

The days to come should answer as to how both the Son and the Father deal with things to come. The only resolution is that one of us would have to compromise and I shall pray till eternity that it would be the elder one who’d do that.

I shall term myself to be a failure as a son if I couldn convince the old man that he has a double chin on his face not to mention that the wrinkles have multiplicated and that he must consider his son to be capable enough for him to peacefully retire!!


Signing off!!

There are two people in everyone....

Being a marketer - at least academically, i took notice of this advertisement on television one day - brand - Reebok and brand personality - Rahul dravid, proclaiming that there are multiple selves attached to a person and that they exist within ourselves amongst oblivious ignorance.

The advertisement turned to be even more special cause it appeared to be rich in ROI (go and attend your advertising classes if u dunno the full form there!!) but it also featured my favourite brand and my favourite cricketer.

Moreover I am a true believer that every homosapien in this world is a victim of schizophrenia!!

The degree of realisation within overselves though varies and thereby the intensity of recognition amongst all is not the same, in fact largely it is lESS!!

Rahul dravid is the man we are talking about here!!

I admire the character if not the man himself, a purist whose exaggerated craft is his strength as well as his weakness, a vehement team player playing under the shadow of other selfish invidual geniuses, a fractured leader suffocated under the pangs of bureaucracy, a dependable batsmen serving a mercurial and unpredictable team throughout his career.

All contrasting adjectives for a man playing for a country of people who are so unlike him...

Most of us live life, fighting conflicting emotions, waging contradicting situations and confronting confusions and disputations!! Sometimes with others and other wise mostly debating within ourselves.

Guess, there really are two people in everyone ....

last to last weekend, saturday 8th september, I indulged myself in my first extravaganza - A second hand Maruti 800. To have bought something that i have desired and craved for so long created a feeling so unique in expression.

I realised that the feeling of possession comes along with exlusivity and shall remain unshared. It stays with you and does not demand even a fraction of empathy from others.

To be more explicit, when your father dies, the grief that you undergo is something that your neighbour wouldn understand!!!

When you get married, the excitement (in some cases, the trauma!!) is maribound for the groom and the bride as compared to the gluttons attending the wedding!!

At the end of the day, all such instances that create such exclusive feelings create an extension of your self...Society deems you to have grown in stature (albeit your bank balance should have by now got reduced to a penny!!) and you once again are caught in speculation.

1) Do we change parting our fundamental self and flaunt our new acquired stature??
2) Do we stay put and succumb to docility ignoring our new-found materialistic success??

Courtesy my consumer behaviour classes in MBA, i think the answer should be to extend our self and not alter the same!! Extending the same would mean to grow in stature despite losing the fundamental qualities that have moulded one's personality.

Creating a new person within yourself, just the difference being that this one owns a car or this one has just got married!! Dont we have two of em living there now again !!!

life they all say is an education in itself...to me its more about discovering oneself each day or should i say getting to know the many selves each day :) !!

Life - the flip side!!!

One of my friends while going through my vague ramblings on the blog page marveled at my audacity to comment on LIFE!!!

His argument was that at 22 (age) i barely knew anything about LIFE and its subjects, leave alone interpreting and writing something on the same.

His opinion was well respected though not entirely accepted!!!

My counter in defense was that at times it would take ages for one to realize the true meaning of life, while on the other hand certain extraordinary instances, prodigious moments and momentary encounters would set rich, educative and eventful precedence’s for one to find more versions and interpretations of life.

These educative examinations often would not last long, infact, at times would barely last for minutes together leaving a stinging effect, lasting memories and an educative impact on YOU.

My conclusion in this case remains that you wouldn’t have to really grow OLD to learn about LIFE. You actually have to live every moment of life wholeheartedly to learn something from each one of it!!!!

I am not too sure whether my answer was quite convincing, not that his (my friend) allegiance towards my thoughts bother me, however, his remarks did prompt me to do a small introspection.

Upon this self investigation i realized that at some point of time, a reader while going through an authored writing creates an interpretation of the text that he/she has read and in the process also cultivates an image of the AUTHOR (based on his/her interpretations).

Parallel to the same context, my blog did make a very serious reading, austere, sober and heavy thoughts filled with superlative adjectives from the keyboard of a 22 year old boy did not quite create the image that my actual self depicts!!

Of course those thoughts penned in the past were a little determined and at times also wore a funeralistic flavor to themselves, however i need to make a strong confession that my character possess more attributes and my thoughts appreciate different dimensions. I am not exactly what my writings depict. They are just one of my belongings, I DO HAVE A FLIP SIDE!!!!

Just to explain, i do enjoy the company of people, i watch movies every weekend (almost!!!), i cry when India loses in Cricket and i take great pride in being a part of the bustling and cacophonic human civilization!!!! It is just that when i am indulging myself in the finer things associated with life, i am too busy, too occupied and too involved to document the same.

Times spent with my friends doing the most insane things ever, venturing on adventurous trips at unplanned and uncanny times to crazy, dangerous and isolated locations, fantasizing on the elixirs of our life, celebrating each others successes, agonizing empathetically over the others failures, arguing and vociferously debating in classes, rebutting each other in the playground and living life and every single moment of the same caring for each other in unison is far from being explainable!!!

These are times when I have found myself to be too attached to life and in the process couldn’t think of doing anything but to relish and savor the spice associated with it.

The notoriety, the sarcasm, the pranks, the spoofs and the frivolous escapades exist in abundance and are very much my way of societal existing. I cannot think of living a grave, serious and a hibernating life far away from the madding crowd.

However, I need to make a sound declaration here; my moments of pleasure shall not deserve any blog space!!!!

I am too busy when I am happy and Blogging obviously is such a waste of time!!!!

I hope my friend soon realizes that “Bloggin is the art of the sedate and the stern poker faced man, Euphoria and Pleasure would be a total misfit in this TRIBE”!!!

DIAGNOSING DREAMS AND RATIONALIZING AMBITIONS!!

Over the years, blame it on my upbringing or attribute it to the interpretations of my learning’s from Life, I have been by nature eternally demanding, zealous, and ambitious.

The irony however remains that though life did teach me how to dream, DREAM BIG, but in its attempt to teach me the means to realize the same - it failed!!!

With the kind of optimism that I bring in with myself, a man needs to be bitterly adamant, strictly stubborn, vehemently hardworking and purposefully industrious.

Alas, I acquaint with myself no such etymology!!!!

Now that I write all this, an even more appalling confession that I must make is despite knowing all this; my Dreams refuse to wade off!!

In fact they in-evidently haunt me and egoistically tease me with their unconquerable presence, embarrassingly reminding me of the standards that I need to arise and meet in life.

These reminders are uncalled for but unfortunately they are perennial, albeit uninvited but they do exist and they shall continue to do so till I stay alive!!!!!

I highlight this point now because the time now stands ripe before me to transform these groomed desires and ambitions into reality. Given that I have found an occupation for myself (arguably the best that I could manage!!) and am earning my money, all that I had wanted and had craved for in life had to materialize right before me.

The understanding that currency was the sole medium to all extravagancies was long imbibed within me and parallel to the same thought I have fought my way through to have found a job that is reasonably rewarding enabling me to earn all the money that I can.

Still, the Dreams stay alive unconquered and untarnished!!!

While I expressed this botheration to my father, (my best mate and my financier to date!!!) his explanation was equally eerie!! He questioned my Dreams and teased my ambitions terming them to be quixotic, romantic and unrealistic!!

Though he has never questioned my prodigy and I have always marveled at his encouragement through out all walks of my life, I still do not quite accept that whatever I have dreamt is beyond my capacity!!! For all the arguments that we have had recently, he demanded that I add a tinge of prudence to my materialistic expectations from life.

After a careful examination though, I have allowed my prudence to be pitted against my emotions (confess- with a bias towards the latter) to arrive at this forgone conclusion that rationalizing my ambitions would be terming myself to be a failure and conclusively compromise my sole purpose of existence.

At no point of time would the crave for extravagance die in me and at no point of time would I accommodate some kind of a bargained low profile settlement with life. Though I do agree that the Ambitions are way too away for my hands to grab and pocket them, but that aint deters me from increasing my capacity.

I shall strive at full capacity for that plush duplex bungalow, that classy car, that casual overnight vacation to ‘Hawaii’ with family!!

I know that I am being unrealistically demanding but the desire for these exorbitances shall keep me going. Not achieving them would mean that I d be declared as a failure but to desert them midway and quit would declare abandonment and signal a defeated self renunciation causing grave indignation.

Hence rationalizing my ambitions stays out of question, they stay alive and in the process keep my purpose of living life very much in contention !!!!

Signing off!!

P.S – Of course, me and my father still need to come to an understanding!!!

Articulating employment!!!!

Before i pen down my new found thoughts, i need to make a confession!!!!
my father often used to say that "discipline as a quality, cannot be inherited, it needs to be inculcated" ...How i wish the adage could be proved wrong.

This business of inculcating the damned trait has been far more difficult, not to mention that it aint exciting either!!!

unfortunately, the indiscplined part of me has also had a spillover to conquer and devastate the regularity of blogging...

however, i confess in unmatched despair and seek allegiance for the irregularity showcased.
In explanation i can only say that i was busy trying to prove my fathers theory wrong and was hoping that somehow i shall be able to inherit some qualities from him!!
alas, he was right (as he is mostly) and what a pity, my attempts failed!!
carrying on with things that have transformed (in life), i have finished my education. the post graduation turned out to be a pleasure in contrast to the ordeal which i expected it to be (as my previous blogs state!!).

and now i have become a part of a company which uncannily implements software products developed by other companies (after toiling their blood and sweat) and in the process makes money.

since i am not a guy with a lot of fascination towards technology, to make myself understand my employers business model, i sought for a simpler explanation - my company acts as the tailor while the vendors manufacture the fabrics!!!

the very experience of venturing into corporate life overwhelmed me. Suddenly my place of occupation was called a multinational corporation, messes became food courts, desks became cubicles (if you were occupied, if u werent they were called benches!!) and attendance roll calls needed to be electronically swipped!!!!

the room was air conditioned (and if one was just wondering as to y it wouldn be effective, techies would attribute it to the new found climate control technology), taps would refused to flush out water if it werent censored and stairs would consider themselves insulted if u would bypass the capsule elevator and stamp ur feet on them to make ur way up the floors!!!
my employer definitely was posh!!!

he knew the art of living life extravagantly!! he also knew the art of communicating his extravagance explicitly and didnt he do it in style...

i have always been a man who has craved for extravagance!!

but i have also had equal prominence for exclusivity.

my employer's unmatched precedence towards extravagance was deeply appreciated but his unmatched generosity and expansive scale (includes size) was uncalled for and discomforting!!!!
the employer was gratitious enough to accomodate 70,000 people like me..
which meant that i was no different!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

there were 69,999 people who had equitable rights and were all waiting with their jaws bare open and tounge smleting out to grab and gobble all the offerings presented to them.

This vast populated mass of mankind meant that i was lost somewhere, i barely had a unique identity, i barely existed. my employer would unfortunately never get to know me, and noticably he was too big, sitting pretty on top of a barricade of heirarchies while i was left alone suffocating, dumped amongst this "sea of humanity"!!!!

To massage my ego and satisfy my prudence amongst this crowd would call for a challange. arguably the biggest of my life so far!!!

to not to accept the same, shall be heartbraking (though i must confess it does scare me)....but compulsions of life shall keep me going, undettered and i shall take strength from my ambitions to stamp some authority and create a small space amongst this vastness of mankind.

my brother (my hero!!) often says that corporate life is a jungle, where everyone is on the hunt to catch their prey.....I now should learn the art of swaying away from being the hunted. guess a stroke of discipline should enable that, its high time i learn to inculcate it!! (i have learnt my lessons, havent i)

signing off!!!

The alternate self

People read stories to wade off the egos of isolation, the pangs of desolation and the hinges of aloofness. I thought of writing one….

A story very engrossing, very real, very tragic and equally depressing.

The story of my life….

After enjoying the comforts of my childhood, relishing the youthful days of my college, I had landed in this small institute to do my Post Graduation in Management. I can’t recollect the date, though I remember it was spring and the name (of the institute) doesn’t really matter here.

The initial days within this small institute had to be a struggle. Considering that I have always been an individual who has showcased inertia towards change. Be it going to a new school, trying a new restaurant, talking to new people, or leaving home and joining a boarding institute, I hated it when things changed. I hated it when people drew me out of my comfort zone and put me into a totally new environment making me search for things, search for people and life to live in.

For me, it was more difficult cause I was always comfortable living in the “past”, that possibly never gave enough room for the “present” to settle in….I should not be questioned either for doing the same, cause the past was too eventful and too recent and I couldn’t afford to forget it, be it at the cost of the present, be it at the cost of the future.

My new endeavor of doing an MBA was more a consequence of a compulsion of life and definitely was not an outcome by choice. I had quenched my desire to read and excel back in my graduation days and had nothing much to prove to myself. Was just wondering as to how would I bide time in my newfound place, how would I keep myself motivated.

There were too many things in my mind, I wouldn’t call them botherations but they were discomforting memories that kind of fractured my rationality, never allowed me to be the same person before. The only solution in hand was to “make new friends, invite new challenges and create new opportunities” I realized I had to carry on with life, though it wasn’t going to be easy.

Supposedly an extroverted person, I should not have had problems making new friends and developing relationships with people. It was here again, that I started making comparisons. Whenever I met someone, I had to compare him/her with the people I knew already and I would immediately find them short on comparison, short on expectations and finally rue interacting with them, even talking to them.

It was a group of 120, and all of them were creating small families of their own. Not that I was a loner, but I still was searching for someone, someone equivalent to those I know, someone who can stand tall amongst those I already trust. Someone who could be compared to my friends. Guess, it wasn’t going to be easy finding them…

Somehow, I tried to maintain a good enough relationship with all. Tried to get to know as many of them as I could. Be it unwontedly, but still I had to compare them all, and they obviously had to falter.

Just to give an instance of the quality of mankind I am referring to, I sit next to a 31 year old man, when it comes to the age, he is old enough to be married and probably nurse a couple of kids, but when it comes to mental maturity and behaviour, he was as kiddish as a new born baby, would not even share his eraser with others.

He was easily 3650 days elder to me, but had a lot to learn still from life. Probably he was faking out his character to fit into the groove of youngsters born ages after his entry into this world, even if he was doing that believe me, he wasn’t good at it either.

I knew generalizing the entire population on the basis of one disturbed individual would be an unpardonable mistake, but I was far more comfortable committing the same mistake rather than litmus testing another sample of mankind.

From then on, I seldom did personalize with people, though unknowingly, people kept getting closer to me. I did find a set of friends with whom I was comfortable with; I would hesitate to say close though.

Life in itself is an education, and during this phase of my existence I realized as to how important it is for oneself to be flexible with his/her personality. I realized that I had to have many selves within my inner self without losing my foundational character and nature. I realized that I had to graduate from searching for people who could understand me to accommodating myself within the class of people surrounding me.

People say that by disguising my real character and showcasing artificial multiple personalities, I run the risk of losing my real self and foundational qualities somewhere in the near future.

However the irony remains that these disguised personalities come as a consequence of me not being able to forget my past and the people who helped me shape my real character.
It is said that, life is all about searching for and acclimatizing the available alternatives. Though the sad part of it is that, life, for itself doesn’t have any other available substitute or acclimatizing alternative. I guess, I have to carry on sometime by being myself, sometimes pretending to be myself !!